Pele popularized the bicycle kick, and I created the unicycle kick. It’s like the bicycle kick, only it requires more balance and one less wheel.

I told her she should come back to my place because it’d just won sixth place in the Living Room Olympics, and sixth place is like double bronze.

Respect doesn’t have to be shiny. It just needs to be wearable. Would you be so kind as to hold my jockstrap while I stir your hot coffee?


Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything….but getting a wicker basket to fit them is a fiasco

There’s a lot of June birthdays in June. There’s also a few in May and July. Reminds me of that one night with April. That was a long month.

Love is a bird’s nest of emotion that I used as a basket to store picnic items like apples, cheese, wine, and finger foods like thumbs and pinkies.

Bees are strange. Pick them up with your genitals. If you want to succeed, you need to go where no man is willing to go, like the women’s restroom.

I’ll keep you in my heart forever, just so long as you don’t clog up my arteries. Just so you know, my love is like extra gravy all the time.

We made love like two meows having their tails stepped on. There were three of us there, and I’ve always wondered: Who were those two other people?

I’m covered in fish hair! I have a dwarf shaped like a suitcase that I carry everywhere. Women tell me I love too deeply. Wrong! I love too widely.

Taking a break. Been working solid for the last few hours, as opposed to working liquid, which is more drinkable. Can I pour you a glass of productivity?

A circular table that spins around is a great way to make a romantic dinner for two with three people less awkward. I’ll pay for myself, I promise.

As my grandpa probably said, “The man who has pajamas knitted to match those of his cat, must be a superior lover.” My grandpa died a virgin.

I told the Nicks I had to nix their idea. I mean it’s silly. Why would I name all my clones Nick Name? If I did that, what would their nicknames be?

They haven't left us much to believe in, have they?--even disbelief. I can't believe in anything bigger than a home or vaguer than a human being.