I’ll sell you a whole half for half price, but that 50% price only has a half-life of a half a day. I’m only doing this because I’m a wholesome guy.

There’s bloodstains on my carpet, so I can’t have any vampire over, lest they lick they carpet while I’m urinating on it. Ugh, first world problems.

How many birthdays can you fit in your lifetime? If you answered "All of them," you should have your genitals ripped out from underneath your father's pillowcase.

Ever since Sincere died, I’ve been meaning to have meaning. Her love was the one thing that made me want to do other things, and without it I’m thingless.

I want to conserve energy expenditure by reducing our air intake. Save lives by saving your I love yous and holding your breath for the duration of your relationship.

He was a man I came to respect. Not because he wore Ziploc bags for socks (he had sweaty feet), but because he also kept his sandwiches warming there while he walked.

Theo named his son Theology. But his son changed it to The O to honor his dad, Orafoura. Orafoura is my dad, he is my son, and we love to love people who are lovable.

My friend fell in a pool, so I brought him to the hospital in a bucket. Half of him splashed out when I peed in it. I tried to save him, but I’m no Ryan Lochte.

I call him by his first name only. We’re that friendly. Plus, with a last name of McGee, why would I ever bother calling him by his full name of Dicksmear McGee?

I want to type one of my books into a free online translation website, and convert it from English to German and then publish the results as an exercise in the absurd.

I am an orange construction cone, and I say to you, “Caution.” This is my advice for love—and for driving while blindfolded, which is safer than love.

I called Phil up, but I didn’t call Phillip. He hung up on me, and I’m still hung up about that. To make things right I might just call Phillip and hang up.

Yellow flowers are like physical manifestations of sunlight. I’m growing a garden of sunglasses just to help save eyesight and make the world a little bit cooler.

I wash my hair with strawberry jelly, because my favorite thing to eat for breakfast is lunch. It’s never too late to love someone, but sometimes it is too early.

I want to create moonglasses, and then write a song called, "I Wear My Moonglasses at Noon." Hopefully, with a little lunar luck, my track will also feature Corey Hart.