Cats are meowable gloves you don’t wear, you pet to keep your hands warm. But I keep my hands warm the old-fashioned way—by applauding all the political rhetoric coming out of Washington DC.

It’d be quite absurd to equate a math equation with love. But that is exactly what I’ve done. I’m giving a four-hour lecture on it on Friday night. Can I count you among the attendees?

I’m a great dancer, and you can tell because I need to wear a football helmet when I’m feeling the rhythm. It’s not only for my safety, but also that of the safety covering my routine.

I have all the traits of a portrait, and chief among them is the fact that I appear to be lifelike. My nickname in high school was “The Man With A Green Apple For A Nose.” This is not a joke.

Looking at the room, I can tell that you are the most beautiful girl in the room.(In the whole wide room)And when you're on the street(Depending on the street)I bet you are definitely in the top three

We pretend to catch and eat more pretend bugs than could ever actually live in one cave. The number of pretend bugs we pretend to catch and eat would in reality basically fill a cave the size of our cave.

Like a boxer on a treadmill, I hit the ground running. It was my first time being in love, and if enthusiasm were a sport, I’d have been sponsored by Nike. Or Adidas, whichever offered me more money.

I waste more time trying to save time than I would if I were merely inefficient. One woman told me I make love like a fish in the desert, and I believed her, because she looked like a dry fish fucker to me.

When I saw a murder taking place, I almost didn’t have time to make coffee before stopping it. But thank God I did, because otherwise somebody would have died—and even worse, I’d be tired.

Meatloaf is graphable in how far ahead it is in likeability categories. You can also play Mop the Floor with it. I make love like I make dinner that makes cleaning the kitchen more fun for the whole family.

The six squares of our love didn’t add up to a cube. Still, I took the oddly-shaped box down to the post office and tried to mail it into the future, when I’d be more prepared to open it.


Despite being named Scott, I really like not being named Scott. I make love like I have no idea what my name is or where I’m at or why there’s always one guy in the audience who’s heckling.

I eat overcast skies for breakfast, because sunlight isn’t filling enough. As a lover, I’m a bring-my-own-umbrella kind of guy, because a soup bowl doesn’t offer enough space or protection.

When the clock reads 3:00, I don’t call it three o’clock, I call it three hundred, and I remember the Spartans. At 3:01, however, I remember what I was doing at 2:59, and I get back to it.


The human voice isn’t like water,” I shouted. “You can’t drown out somebody just by raising the level.” But it was useless. I felt like Noah preaching to a pack of Helen Kellers.