Bricks could be used to generate smiles among the general population. Just hand them out, along with handshakes, and say, This will make everything OK. And guess what? They’ll believe you.


A brick could be used to replace the dollar as the world’s reserve currency. Don’t laugh, because at least the brick is real and useful, unlike the dollar, which is fake and useless.


A brick could be used in place of B. Rick, who is sorry he couldn’t make it to this sentence. But he assured me if this thought has a third sentence, he’ll definitely show up for it. 


A brick could be used to bestow gratitude upon your favorite (or least favorite) politician. Let them know your approval level by giving them the gift that says both Thank You—and Fuck You.


A brick is a good object to hide a house key under. No burglar will be able to get to your key, especially if you hide it under the first brick the mason’s lay when constructing your house. 


A brick could be used to suppress certain groups of people, particularly those individuals who are too weak to stand up and say Hey, somebody get this brick off of me—it’s crushing me!


Bricks are independent but can work well with other, tough to crack, fiercely loyal and put in the right spot will hold anything and everything that you’ve ever held dear with the greatest of ease.

A brick could be affixed to the collar of my shirt, because I’ve already got the weight of the world on my shoulders, so what’s the problem with a little new construction to go on top?


A brick could be used to build a color theory that red objects encapsulate rage. Don’t believe me? Think of all the red objects that inspire hate: stop lights, Nazi swastikas, and tomato juice.


A blanket could be used to conceal. That’s why I recommend the current cast of political bedfellows running this country use one to make good on their “transparent” administration. 


A brick could be used to teach men how to dance, by learning balance. But a blanket could also teach men how to dance, by providing motivation to get good so they can get some under the covers later.


A blanket (twin, full, or queen-sized) could be placed squarely over the state of Rhode Island, and there’d still be enough blanket space left over to keep an obese man warm through a blizzard. 


A brick could be employed to stop global warming, by using it to clog up the world’s smallest volcano. I would use my penis to plug up the hole, but it already burns while I pee enough as it is.


A brick could be used to manipulate people into doing what you want. If anything could offer one man an unfair advantage over another, it’s a brick—especially if that brick is made of gold.


A company could use bricks to measure their growth rate. How many bricks have angry investors thrown at you lately? If the answer is none, then your growth rate is probably pretty good… for the moment.