A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been practicing my tuba, and I’m ready for a duet.

A brick could be used as the lead singer of a band called “The More Interesting Than.” I would say get Miley Cyrus to do it, but she isn’t interesting enough.


A brick could be used to sell war to the peacemongers. The trick is to sell war cheap, because the real profit is in the renewals and extending the service as long as possible.


I want to mail my mailman something. He always brings me mail, yet I never give him any mail. Maybe he will appreciate the thought, or maybe he will feel I am making more work for him.

A brick could be used as brain filler for the political mind, just in case one of our elected officials needs a brain transplant to try to boost their intellectual capabilities. 


A blanket could be used to save your marriage. But to be honest, I’d recommend saving your marriage in a Tupperware container. That way it’ll stay fresher for longer.


Bricks could be used to feed the homeless. But why not use those bricks to build the homeless people homes? Oh yeah, because that’s not the sort of smart decision DC makes.


A blanket could be used to foil slave traders. But so could tinfoil and leftover meatloaf. Geez, the whole Civil War could have been avoided if only Lincoln had known that little trick.

A brick could be used as a substitute for my father. I hate to admit it, but I think a brick would make a better dad than that guy I call “The Guy That Never Calls Me.”


A brick could be used to block a mouse hole. But something better that would not only block the hole physically, but also psychologically, would be to stuff a dead rat in the hole.


The simple truth is that you can understand the way you are. You can know and love and hate it. You can blame it, resent it, and nothing changes. In the end, you're just a part of it.

A blanket could be used as a TV screen. How? No—why? Even better—why not? Why not wrap yourself up in your favorite TV shows and let the screen warm your body and soul?


A brick could be used as a flying decision inducer. You could have said yes before I threw the brick, but I suppose you’ll be more agreeable when you wake up from your coma. 


Inspecting? What do you mean? I don't understand. I'm collecting insects. My specialty is sand and insects.What?Collecting insects. Insects. Insects.I catch them like this!Insects?

A blanket could be used to improve the quality of your trumpet playing. Wrap the blanket tightly around and in the horn section before you start blowing, and my ears will thank you.