I lay warm in bed like a melted marshmallow in a graham cracker. I really wish my blanket wasn’t so rigid and crumbly.


A brick could be used like a Viking skull holds soup. If you bring a spoon, I can quench your thirst—and your hunger. 


I wanted movement and not a calm course of existence. I wanted excitement and danger and the chance to sacrifice myself for my love.

A brick could be dropped on your mother-in-law’s head from the height of 66.6 feet. You know, as a going away present. 


A brick has eight edges and six sides. That’s nearly as many sides as a politician takes when discussing a binary issue.


A blanket could be used to reaffirm your faith in God, though I’d suggest using something a little firmer, like a brick.


A brick could be used to direct traffic. Use a brick from the scene of the accident, where some driver ran into a brick wall. 


A brick could be used like a duck could be used like a cat. My duck soup is meowing to be manhandled by a construction worker.


A brick could be used to make yourself taller. It’s like self-esteem, only easier to use in the construction of a house.


A brick could be used in a manner most secret. But Shh! I can't tell you. What part about secret don't you understand?


A blanket could be used to tell you I love you. You know I do. And I’m not just saying that because I’m shivering.


A blanket, as the epitome of warmth, could be used to stop colds. Also, sex with me might be the surest way to prevent a cold.


A skyscraper is to a brick as a pyramid is to____________A) a vagina, B) a particular vagina, or C) your mother’s vagina.


A brick could be used to help define your rigid beliefs. I put my beliefs to bed, along with the hooker I rented for the night.


A brick could be slid on a wood floor, like a rolling bowling ball, in an attempt to fill the seconds between swallows of beer.