All men are born with a nose and ten fingers, but no one was born with a knowledge of God.

I am not absentminded. It is the presence of mind that makes me unaware of everything else.

If they can get you asking the wrong questions, they don't have to worry about answers.

Erudition is the crude residue of wilted harvests; wit: the meddlesome weed that wilts them.

Spanish—how shall I say this?—is likePortuguese spoken with a speech impediment.

Majority wins, but majority is not necessarily right and sometimes majority is awfully wrong.

If you change who you are to suit other people, you may end up dressed for the wrong occasion

True wit is nature to advantage dressed;What oft was thought, but ne'er so well expressed.

Worry wasn’t an emotion to which he was particularly accustomed—and it worried him.

Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing.

Witty sayings don’t grow on bumpers the way babies do. I was raised by a single rush hour.

I'm eating a massive pastrami sandwich. It's so beautiful I might cry. Just so you know.

Snobbery might sometimes look cool, like smoking, but the end result is usually a repelling one.

The height of cleverness is in one's ability to be very clever without seeming clever at all.

if you can’t acquaint an opponent with reason, you must acquaint his head with the sidewalk.