Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.

My neighbors loved the music so much when I turned it up, that they invited the police to listen.

I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell this to my children, they just about throw up.

Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it pays my internet… which is almost the same thing.

I told my ex I felt like killing him, and he said I needed professional help, so I hired a hitman.

You can’t buy happiness, but you can buy chocolate. And that’s kind of the same thing.

NO, you don’t have “haters”. People just don’t like you. Get over yourself.

A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life

Lets play truth or dare! Oh wait we can only play dare, you don’t know how to tell the truth.

Always behave like a duck. Keep calm and unruffled on the surface, but paddle like hell underwater.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Teacher: “How can we keep our school clean?” Student: “By staying at home.”

Women are like police, they can have all the evidence in the world but they still want a confession.

Don’t feel special, I only keep your number in my phone so I know not to answer when you call.