Now I know this is going to seem counter to every instinct that you have, but I'm going to ask you to sit still, or I'll put you in the trunk.

I'm sure the other kids wouldn't mind not being lectured by another toddler over the virtues of sharing and the mental benefits of toy blocks.

A classroom . People trying to stick me in classrooms was becoming as predictable and annoying as people trying to kill me, but with less-fun results.

Very helpful, I must say. Look at them in the eye and shout, and they understand every word..." (Mr. Warbeck in Sienna, talking about local Italians.)

I want to replace my knees with miniature Rube Goldberg machines. That way you'll know how difficult it is for me to simply walk out of your life.

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.

I told her I'd rather talk about her, instead of listening to her drone on about the weather. Little did I know she was an aspiring meteorologist.

As I was driving down Beach Blvd., I saw a building that said, "Self Storage," and I thought, "I wonder if my ego could possibly fit in just one unit.

My grandma Ruthie, Jettie's sister, had been married four times, so many times I started calling every old man I saw at the grocery store Grandpa.

Because there's no way on earth she's going to make it through college unless she grows some serious ovaries and turns this train wreck around

I think I’ll hang myself under the tree that Agatha and I had our first picnic under. I’ll just have to reschedule my dentist appointment.

A brick could be exchanged for a bar of gold. But be sure you wait until the owner of the gold isn’t looking before you make the switch. 


Radical Edwards's profile? He's a seven-foot tall ex-basketball pro hindu guru drag-queen alien.-Jet Black, from the Cowboy Bebop anime script

Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man s lifetime income - which he then spends sending his kids to college

I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When shes in a good mood it turns blue, but when shes in a bad mood theres a red mark across my forehead