Outside of a dog a book is man s best friend Inside of a dog it s too dark to read The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx

The first thing she told me after I hit on her was that she had a boyfriend of nine months, and I thought, what kind of sick bitch dates infants?

What's that?" he asked, when I stood beside him again."Halos," I said with a grin. "For heavenly creatures like us.""That might be a stretch.

I want to write a song called, “She Bangs.” It won’t be about a sexually loose woman, but rather it will be a knock-knock joke.

A brick could be used for pressing grapes into wine, and a magician could then cover up that wine with a blanket and turn wine into water.


When I want to end a relationship I just say You know I love you I want to marry you I want to have your children Sometimes they leave skid marks

Don't say anything. Just act cool," I whispered.Mavkel started to shiver."Like this?" it asked."No, I mean act calm."Mavkel stopped shivering.

WHY did she do this? She was a terrible drunk texter. All the things she wanted to say to people during the day came out at night, like a vampire.

Rhiannon's Law #16: If it looks like a rabbit, and it hops like a rabbit, run the other way and fast. That shit is liable to tear you arm off.

Not one word," Kel warned. "Tobe and I have reached an understanding." Neal's lips twitched. "Why do I feel you did most of the understanding.

Ford Prefect suppressed a little giggle of evil satisfaction, realized that he had no reason to suppress it, and laughed out loud, a wicked laugh.

You know how when someone is tall, people will compare them to a string bean? She, my friend, was like asparagus, but without the subsequent odor.

If I tell you another seven hundred times, maybe one of these days you might turn your clothes right side out when you put them in the hamper, eh?

I was raised half Jewish and half Catholic When I d go to confession I d say Bless me Father for I have sinned - and you know my attorney Mr Cohen

What is a quote? A quote (cognate with quota) is a cut, a section, a slice of someone's orange. You suck the slice, toss the rind, skate away.