You don’t offend me. At least not until I change my name. Once I change it to Asshole, then I might be offended you keep calling me Jarod.

Love leads people to become lost in their own feelings and ignore the world, so it’s no surprise their love for the world goes unrequited.

Fifteen men on the Dead Man's Chest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum! Drink and the devil had done for the rest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum!

A man's plumbing is like his mind: simple, very few surprises. You ladies, on the other hand...well, God put a lot of thought in making you.

If drinking is interfering with your work you re probably a heavy drinker If work is interfering with your drinking you re probably an alcoholic

We spend the first twelve months of our children s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up

How Superheroes Make Money: - Spider-Man knits sweaters. - Superman screw the lids on pickle jars. - Iron Man, as you would suspect, just irons.

Zen cuts straight through the Quidditch match in progress and almost gets taken down by a Beater hurling a Nerf quaffle right at his machopartes.

The elephant’s love for him was a love I have never known – yet always longed to. For why should he be remembered always, and not I?

Flowers and fear are a lot alike. For one, flowers and fear have a distinct smell, and two, I’m currently trying to grow both in my garden.

Sorry I'm late," Ms. Egami said to the class. She dropped her papers, which scattered in that special way papers do when one is running late.

I love the smell of a new book, but I prefer inhaling fresh bottles of ink and glue. They get me more lightheaded – unless I read the book.

Knowing all the languages in the world could help you to really understand all the jokes you can hear... from my future Kids' Funny Business.

I would give you all my love, but I’m afraid I’d get nothing in return. And coming from you, nothing is simply much more than I want.

How did you get in here?' (...) 'How I got here isn't important, because I could do it twenty times again, each time a different way.