There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened

He bombarded me with words, of all things, apparently clueless to the fact that the predawn hours rendered me incapable of coherent thought.

For the first time in my life, I was in a shoot-out. A real, honest-to-goodness shoot-out with a bad guy. And, apparently, we both sucked.

I m 30-years-old and I still can t get out from under my father s shadow He s really tall so maybe I ll just ask him to move over a few feet

I went out to eat on a restaurant’s opening night. It was packed! I guess people heard I’d be dining there and came to adore me.

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance There s no doubt about it Anytime you have a romance your wife is bound to interfere

Facebook and Twitter aren t the real problems in the office The real problems are what I like to call the M Ms the Managers and the Meetings

Why is it that when you wipe up dust its called dusting but when you wipe up a spill its not called spilling? Just something to think about.

Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving That s a good thing He s getting old He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on

At the very leadt, we can grab Monica and hustle her skanky ass back to her dad wile you brave, strong menfolk hold off the bad guys. Right?

On horseback you feel as if you're moving in time to classical music; a camel seems to progress to the beat of a drum played by a drunk.

I want to hang from a tree the way Spanish moss hung from my father's face, like the mustache he was so embarrassed he couldn't grow.

Damn, Claire. Warn a guy before you do a face-plant on the floor next time. I could have looked all heroic and caught you or something -Shane

You could carve out the inside of a brick and hide your money in it for safe keeping. It’s certainly safer than keeping it in the bank!

Every child that receives life advice should keep in mind that in every parent’s past, there’s leftover booze and contraceptives.