If you launch a career doing something you don't really like, that even if you're successful, you won't feel successful, and you'll be contemptuous of your own success.

I would have made you a cheesecake, but I don’t know how. And I would have bought you a cheesecake, but I have no job and no money. So please accept this stack of coupons instead.

Verstehst du, im Grunde sind doch die Mitarbeiter das Problem. Du zahlst, wenn du sie einstellst, du zahlst, wenn du sie rausschmeißt, und dazwischen muss du sie auch noch bezahlen.

I determine to render more and better service, each day, than I am being paid to render. Those that reach the top are the ones who are not content with doing only what is required of them.

My hands fell asleep, so I washed them with hot coffee. Then I had donuts for breakfast, by way of spinning circles in my car and burning rubber in the parking garage of my office building.

There is an easy way of finding the job to be done today, just look around your environment; take note of the places that need cleaning and the places that need decoration; do one at a time!

I wear my job like a robe. I can’t wait to take it off. I vacation like a nudist showers—in the rain, under an umbrella, with five judges watching and awarding style points.


After losing my job, I felt the only options available to me were razors, cyanide, or a shot to the face, until Renaldo, being the good friend that he is, reminded me how to tie a noose.


When a man's girlfriend's parents ask him what it is that he does for a living: they’re not really concerned about him; they’re concerned about their daughter’s tummy.

When someone is talking about their job, and they turn to me and ask me what I do, I stare off into space, let my eyes glaze over, and wistfully say, “I often wonder what I’m doing.

Job was comfortless before the speech of Jehovah and is comforted after it. He has been told nothing, but he feels the terrible and tingling atmosphere of something which is too good to be told.

Say this one time with me: "Would you like that in a pump or a loafer?"... Good. Now memorize it, because starting tomorrow, the only job that you're going to be able to get is selling SHOES!

A good server knows how to be seen, yet remain invisible. I was a great server, and I achieved invisibility by never showing up for work. My boss ended up firing me, probably over petty jealousy.

I like to call in sick to work at places where I’ve never held a job. Then when the manager tells me I don’t work there, I tell them I’d like to. But not today, as I’m sick.

If you hire people just because they can do a job, they’ll work for your money. But if you hire people who believe what you believe, they’ll work for you with blood and sweat and tears.