If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

The most exciting acting tends to happen in roles you never thought you could play.

I think someone should invent an edible remote control, to go along with TV dinners.

And yet that's the best way to watch television actively: with your eyes closed.

Some stories have to be written because no one would believe the absurdity of it all.

You cannot blame porn. When I was young, I used to masturbate to Gilligan's Island.

If everyone demanded peace instead of another television set, then there'd be peace.

If you can't run, you crawl. If you can't crawl-- you find someone to carry you.

If television's a babysitter, the Internet is a drunk librarian who won't shut up.

I expect the audience to assume TV is stupid. I accept that it's my job to overcome it.

Are your kids better off watching 10 hours of Nickelodeon and the Disney Channel every week?

Key element of television programming, the characters must watch the programming themselves.

The dumbest thing I ever did? Buying a TV. The smartest thing I ever did? Giving that TV away.

Personality begins where comparison leaves off. Be unique. Be memorable. Be confident. Be proud.

If you want to use television to teach somebody, you must first teachthem how to use television.