Sorry sluts, but LOVE doesn’t stand for legs open very easily.

I don’t do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

Rumors: At least you’re spreading something besides your legs.

Seeing a spider is nothing. It becomes a problem when it disappears.

I have a lot of time on my hands when I’m wearing two watches.

Of course you are cute, you have hair covering 90% of your ugliness.

I have finally decided to give a crap. Now who wants the first piece?

I’m fluent in three languages: English, Sarcasm, and Profanity.

Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.

I’m the oposite of a slut because I’ll never give a fuck.

Alcohol may not be the answer, but it sure helps forget the question.

Drunk people run stop signs, high people wait for them to turn green.

I don’t know what’s tighter, our jeans or our friendship.

If you tickle me, I am not responsible for what happens to your face.

I may be a hotty, but i’ve got attitude and a functional brain!