A blanket could be used to help acclimate your body for your after death experience. Hell is hot, so you’d better warm up first. 


My routine is comforting, like a comforter. But a blanket could easily be used to replace my routine, because a comforter is a blanket.


A blanket could be used to warn your enemy that you are coming—and that you are warm. Where’s the cold war when you need it?


A brick could be used to sell tickets to a new sport called Glurping. If you think it sounds disgusting now, wait until you see it live!


A blanket could be used to lure politicians to your side of an issue. Which is your side? Easy—the side I’m not sleeping on.


Her love was like cigarette smoke stirred into coffee. I drank it so fast it made me cough, but she’s not offering a refill at any price.

A blanket could be used to express my condolences. I’m sorry to have to tell you I’m sorry, but that’s life, you know?


Caught in a terrible cycle, I was thinking about what I thought about my own thoughts, so I went to the bar where I got myself a glass of water.

A brick could be used as a Red Beard Replacement, for those of us who can’t grow facial hair, but desire the respect a beard brings.


A blanket could be used to cover up Jude McNude. But despite his last name, he isn’t nude, merely cold. No, I’m the naked one.


A blanket could be used to attract a potential mate. I’ve already got my mate. I bought her in a mannequin store (she was on sale). 


A demonic reaper asked to be my valentine and then killed his crazy ex-girlfriend to save my life. Tomorrow I was starting up antipsychotic meds.

A brick could be used for pressing grapes into wine, and a magician could then cover up that wine with a blanket and turn wine into water.


A brick can’t cure cancer. But who knows, maybe a brick combined with a blanket could. I’ll have to ask Dr. Burzynski about it.


A blanket could be used to feed the homeless. I mean warm the coldless. I mean coldsome. I wouldn’t know, because I’m homefull.