A brick could help get your unruly hair under control, by getting at the root of the problem—your skull. Increase force as necessary.


A blanket could be used to aid a waiter with bringing out a large order of beer. Those customers can drape themselves in soggy drunkenness.


A blanket could be used to sell your winningest product to your loserest customer. Oh, loserest is a word. I know, because I just wrote it.


A brick could be thrown, like a football, only instead of a wide receiver, I’d recommend sending out a politician to catch your pass.


A blanket could be used to stop the bleeding. But what if that bleeding is figurative? In that case, I’d recommend a virtual Band-Aid.


A brick could be used in a levitation demonstration. The best way to keep it afloat, along with the American Dream, is with debt and denial.


I m in disguise I m disguised as myself and I m a master of disguise so that s why you couldn t tell I was in disguise Not even my clone could tell

A brick could be used as a Blushometer. To find out how embarrassed you are, just measure you blushing cheeks against the rouge of a brick. 


A blanket could be used to help me with the love and affection of Taylor Swift. If that sounds unbelievable, then try reading it soundlessly.


A blanket could be used to show love, by providing warmth, comfort, and an itchiness of desire that cannot be satisfied by a single scratch. 


A brick could be used as a headstone. Or the instrument that proves “until death do us part” is faster and cheaper than a divorce.


A blanket could be used to show people the benefits of sleeping with a parachute—especially if you’ve got a flying bed like I do. 


A brick could be used to prop up a wobbly table—or an unstable relationship. I wish I’d have thought of that before I got divorced.


A brick is blocking my urethra. But it’s not painful, because my penis is just that big. 
Oh yes, it’s as big as this lie is.


A blanket could be used to stimulate the topographical terrain of a mountainous region. Kind of makes you feel like God, if you think about it.