A brick could be used to represent society as a whole. But to represent society as a half, I’d recommend using either a full carton of half and half, or a half-full carton of whole milk.


A brick could be used as a boat, and due to the brick’s reputation of indestructibility, we could call the boat “The Titanic.” Surely a brick with that name would never sink.


A brick could used to translate and transform long cuneiform texts into shorter tweets. Sure, just take the brick and smash the clay tablets, and each broken fragment should be roughly 140 characters.

A brick could be used to sell new shoes to a man with no hands. I would say a brick could be used to sell a handless man new gloves, but that’s a bit of a stretch, even for a rubber band.


A brick could be used as a scapegoat. But don’t blame the brick. The brick didn’t kill my mother-in-law. It was merely the instrument I utilized in showing her how much I loved her.


A brick could be dropped in a toilet to replicate the sound of shitting bricks. But we wouldn’t have to go through all that trouble if you’d just eat the bricks I put on your plate.


A brick could be used to balance work and play. Just place the brick on the top of your head, and don’t let it drop. This will ensure you don’t play too hard—or work too hard.


Bricks could be used to generate smiles among the general population. Just hand them out, along with handshakes, and say, This will make everything OK. And guess what? They’ll believe you.


A brick could be used to replace the dollar as the world’s reserve currency. Don’t laugh, because at least the brick is real and useful, unlike the dollar, which is fake and useless.


A brick could be used to bestow gratitude upon your favorite (or least favorite) politician. Let them know your approval level by giving them the gift that says both Thank You—and Fuck You.


A brick could be used to suppress certain groups of people, particularly those individuals who are too weak to stand up and say Hey, somebody get this brick off of me—it’s crushing me!


A brick is a good object to hide a house key under. No burglar will be able to get to your key, especially if you hide it under the first brick the mason’s lay when constructing your house. 


Your Writing Teacher ‏@WritingChiefIf u don't get ur protagonist dirty, ur readers will get bored. Readers are wild, cliff-jumping, mud-wrestling savages. Become their leader. (anonymous on Twitter)

A brick could be used to build a color theory that red objects encapsulate rage. Don’t believe me? Think of all the red objects that inspire hate: stop lights, Nazi swastikas, and tomato juice.


A blanket could be used to conceal. That’s why I recommend the current cast of political bedfellows running this country use one to make good on their “transparent” administration.