When someone touches my phone I automatically turn into a ninja.

You don’t die from a broken heart . You only wish you did.

Sanity is nice to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

I’m thinking of a finger, and it’s not 1, 2, 4, or 5.

When angry, count ten before you speak; if very angry, a hundred.

I may look like I care. Then again, appearances can be deceiving.

I fell off a 50ft ladder today. Luckily I was on the bottom step.

When I was your age, we took spelling tests, not pregnancy tests.

You don’t have to like me. I’m not a Facebook status.

Ran into my ex last week. I backed up and ran over his ass again.

Talk is cheap because its the only thing broke people can afford.

If an object is more than five feet away, it becomes unnecessary.

Homework: Do me do me. Internet: Don’t listen to that slut.

Try to say the letter ‘M’ without your lips touching.