Putting your iPod on shuffle, and then skipping all the way to the song you know you want to hear.

Just because you say “No offense” doesn’t make your statement any less offensive.

You never realize how offensive your music is until your parents are sitting in the passenger seat.

Every time I go to the grocery store, I suppress my desire to trip kids running through the aisles.

I hate the fact that you ignore me for so long, then you start talking to me like nothing happened.

I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because I’m still looking for ideas.

Isn’t it sad when you get hurt so much, you can finally say “I’m used to it.”

I hate when I only like a class because a certain person is in it, and that person isn’t there.

I hate it when a shower only has two options – 3rd degree burns or skinny dipping in Antarctica.

Teacher: Would you like to share that with the class? Me: Obviously not, that’s why I whispered it.

We’ve all got that one friend who eats twice as much as you do, but never seems to gain any weight.

That walk of shame when you have to go pick up something you tried to shoot into the trashcan but missed.

The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone.

Sitting in the cinema, ready to watch the movie, then only to have a human giraffe sitting in front of you.

Laying in bed, remembering a conversation in your head, and imagining what you should’ve said instead.