You know you’re getting old when people start telling you how young you look.

Teacher: “You failed the test.” Me:”You failed to educate.”

CAUTION: I’m having a blonde moment. Please speak slowly and use small words.

I wonder if people can actually taste the bullshit as it spills out of their mouths.

There are three sides of an arguement — your side, my side and the right side.

Dear karma, you have some work to do. Sincerely from those who have been mistreated.

Grammar jokes are funny: The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

I’m not single. I’m in a long-standing relationship with fun and freedom.

It takes patience to listen but it takes skill to pretend you are actually listening.

Heat makes things expand. So I don’t have a weight problem, I’m just hot.

I’m a humble person, really. I’m actually much greater than I think I am.

In school, the only thing group projects ever taught me was that I hate other people.

Never argue with an idiot. People watching won’t be able to tell the difference.

Oh wait a sec, I’ve found your nose for you. It was all up in my business again.

Dear ex, I’m glad I had you as an example of what not to look for in the future.