Love is tender, like the pot roast I’m keeping warm in my shoes.

Under capitalism man exploits man; under socialism the reverse is true

Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use

I had some Mexican for dinner. Who knew cannibalism could be so tasty?

I only go birdwatching during mating season. I'm a pornithologist.

Envy is for people who don’t have the self-esteem to be jealous.

Cats are like walking brooms you can actually comfortably cuddle with.

Drought is the best thing that ever happened to my lawn. And my beard.

A brick could be used to keep you three inches away from death.


A hearty laugh gives one a dry cleaning while a good cry is a wet wash

I have a good ear for music, just like Van Gogh had a good ear for art.

All human males were as fascinated with cars as they were with breasts.

Just stay close to us. If we get in trouble, we'll kill everything.

Perv."He pointed to himself. "Male and eighteen. What's your point?