I built a Name Machine. It’s a vending machine that dispenses monikers. For 50 cents, now you can be called Don G. Lover, just like your mom.

I’d race my motorcycle across the ocean just to avoid swimming in the desert. Ladies, I hope this indicates what kind of lover I’d make.

I sold ten bags of hellos for five bags of goodbyes. I’d say that’s a good profit. Or it was, before I blew all my goodbyes on ex lovers.

I want to create vagina-scented scratch and sniff stickers. You know, for lovers. They’d be dispensed in vending machines in YMCA locker rooms.

I promised her that I would never kiss and tell, but I have to tell someone about my dreams and fairytales. So I’m telling you that I kissed her.

I can be a better friend, lover, and humanitarian, but I can’t be a better eggroll. Sadly, I’m as good of an eggroll as I’ll ever be.

Why?"He stopped pacing and looked at her as if she'd just asked him to count every leaf on every tree in the Old Place. "Because... you're you.

To all the true lovers: Your unconditional love is the reason why flowers bloom.To all the beloveds: You are the reason why universe came into existence.

I buy the most expensive trash bags, and the lowest quality products to consume and throw away. As a lover, I’m always thinking about the end user.

As my grandpa probably said, “The man who has pajamas knitted to match those of his cat, must be a superior lover.” My grandpa died a virgin.

Making love to me is amazing. Wait, I meant: making love, to me, is amazing. The absence of two little commas nearly transformed me into a sex god.


To let her imagine how great a lover I’d be, I ate soup with chopsticks. She went home with another man, but I’ll bet she fantasized about me.

If I cannot fix your broken heart can I put mine in its place, because these stars are not enough, and all the money in the world does not equal your worth.

True friends are those who came into your life, saw the most negative part of you, but are not ready to leave you, no matter how contagious you are to them.

My love is shaped like a dog whistle—the sound, not the thing. As a lover, I’m a fighter. But dogs have more bark than me—and so do trees.