They say you can’t live without love. Yeah, well, oxygen’s more important.

I tried to send you something sexy, but the mailman told me to get out of the mailbox.

Why is a school zone 20mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles.

I’m not the girl your mom warned you about, her imagination was never this good.

Cool story bro, wanna hear mine? Once upon a time I didn’t give a fuck. The end.

Wait let me grab you some tissue, your bullshit is leaking out the sides of your mouth.

If you have a shitty job, you probably shouldn’t lick your fingers at lunch time.

If you’re talking behind my back, you’re in a good position to kiss my ass!

My foot just fell asleep. I think I’m gonna kick it with your face to wake it up.

Perfect girls are found at every corner on the Earth. Unfortunately the Earth is round.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of bill payments.

Dear Santa, what I want for Christmas is… your list with names of naughty girls.

Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn’t find anyone to copy it from.

I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried – but they wanted cash.

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