A brick could be used in a levitation demonstration. The best way to keep it afloat, along with the American Dream, is with debt and denial.


A brick could be used as a Blushometer. To find out how embarrassed you are, just measure you blushing cheeks against the rouge of a brick. 


A blanket could be used to stop the bleeding. But what if that bleeding is figurative? In that case, I’d recommend a virtual Band-Aid.


A blanket could be used to show love, by providing warmth, comfort, and an itchiness of desire that cannot be satisfied by a single scratch. 


A blanket could be used to help me with the love and affection of Taylor Swift. If that sounds unbelievable, then try reading it soundlessly.


A brick could be used as a headstone. Or the instrument that proves “until death do us part” is faster and cheaper than a divorce.


A blanket could be used to show people the benefits of sleeping with a parachute—especially if you’ve got a flying bed like I do. 


A blanket can be a meditation device. If the blanket is white, and you stare at it, you can blank out your mind and find peace within yourself.


A brick is blocking my urethra. But it’s not painful, because my penis is just that big. 
Oh yes, it’s as big as this lie is.


A blanket could be used to sell ice cream to streakers. Well, it could, if those naked runners didn’t leave their wallets in their pants.


A brick could be exchanged for a bar of gold. But be sure you wait until the owner of the gold isn’t looking before you make the switch. 


A brick could be used to prop up a wobbly table—or an unstable relationship. I wish I’d have thought of that before I got divorced.


A blanket could be used to stimulate the topographical terrain of a mountainous region. Kind of makes you feel like God, if you think about it.


Do I mind losing? No, because losses and wins are just the bricks on the path to success. Both losing and winning are needed to find prosperity.


A brick and a blanket walk into a bar. And I don’t drink, so I wasn’t around to hear the interaction between them and the bartender.