A blanket could be used as a bathtub tarp, keeping all the body’s heat in, and the police’s and murder victim’s wife’s eyes out.


A blanket could be used to alter the future. But so can setting your watch ahead five minutes. Trust me, I’ve been to the future, and I was late. 


A brick could be used to wash your hands. And after that, I’d suggest you wash out your filthy mouth. Scrub it clean, you scatological talker you.


A brick could be inserted in your chest in place of your heart. And for just a couple thousand dollars more, an artificial heart could replace the brick.


A blanket could be used to help my career. Things have gone cold in this economic depression, so anything to help warm things up would be most welcomed. 


A football could be swapped out for a brick, to make family reunion football games more fun. But I’m calling it right now: I get to be quarterback.


I could inject a brick in each of my butt cheeks and then be like ancient Greece: a ruin. Only, I’d ask my gay dance partner, “R u in?”


A blanket could be used as a Portable Night Generator. Just stretch it over your head, blocking your eyes from the sun in the sky, and voila! Nighttime. 


A blanket could be used in a secretive manner. What? I can’t just tell you how it could be used. What part of secretive don’t you understand?


A blanket could be used to suffocate our secret desires. And what do I secretly desire? I desire suffocation, and that is why I must suffocate my desire. 


A brick could be duct taped in front of your eyes, like a blindfold, so you can have that feeling of hitting your head against a brick wall all the time. 


It was my life—like all lives, mysterious and irrevocable and sacred. So very close, so very present, so very belonging to me.How wild it was, to let it be.

A blanket could be used to stop abuse. Don’t cover up the atrocity—cover up your head, because what you don’t see, may as well not exist.


Kat moaned that I'd plowed my way in here, why couldn't I plow us back out. I made a sick joke about the only kind of plowing I wanted to do was into her.

A brick could be used to raise your status as an upstanding citizen. Don’t get too excited, though. It’ll only raise you up about three inches.