Absurdity is one of the most human things about us: a manifestation of our most advanced and interesting characteristics.

Women should have nipples on their butts. From a design perspective, I think it would revolutionize the fashion industry.

A man from the Land of Fools wanted to pull down the clouds.'Why?' someone asked him.'To squeeze out the rain.

A coffin with wheels would make a great shopping cart. I’ll bet a hollowed-out body would hold a lot of soup.


Love is like trying to wrestle an albino. It’s tough because they’re slippery and all lubed up with sunscreen.

I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.

33 old people went into a nursing home, and only 34 people came out alive. One old woman died while giving birth to twins.

Mr. A calls me into his office and says he's got bad news and bad news, and which do I want first. I say the bad news.

I make ridiculous like I make damn sure nobody sees me when I do. I make it by hand and then I sell it on Etsy. Buy local.

God is the supreme uncreated light of which Wisdom is born, but there was never a time when God's Wisdom did not exist.

There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house.

It's one thing if your hobby is to put ships inside a bottle, but a deer in the headlights!... That's a real talent

Never sit on a freshly painted bench, or stand on a wet wall. That’s a lesson in love I had to learn the sideways way.

Instead of fur, how about a pet with grass, so I could mow my pet. Unlike now, where all I do is cuddle with a piece of sod.

I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral.