Be honest because you stole it, not because blue/green/yell a little yellow. Dandelions just don’t meow like regular lions.

A blanket could be used as a lovely rug, a rug that just so happens to be covering a large hole, you should really feel this rug!

My armpits are not only rank, but they’re ranked number one in customer satisfaction. Try them for free or your money back.

I went to Bath and Body Works this morning, because I really needed a shower. Hygiene is important to society, I have discovered.

Noon yellow is needed to combat my inner albino. But I prefer spreading my shadow thin like mayonnaise. Ours is a nighttime love.

If I waste all my charity, all I’ll wind up with in the end is the wind. Still, I think I want to be the Dandelion of Love.

I water fake plants, because I’m growing a garden of fake mustaches. Lest no man (or woman) question my ability as a lover.

Instead of a gun in my holster, I hold cheesy nachos there, for dangerous snacking. Instead of a horse, this cowboy rides a couch.

My love may be invisible, but that doesn’t mean you can’t taste it. (It tastes like a sonic boom, only not as bitter).

If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people.

Drop by and knock on my bedroom window. My room is on the 13th floor. 1-12 are numbers on a clock, and I won’t wait forever.

My favorite time of the day is 3:33 pm, though I rarely see it because it’s a little too early to be getting up for the day.

One of the only coherent philosophical positions is thus revolt. It is a constant confrontation between man and his own obscurity.

She had a perfect smile. She doesn’t anymore, but I do. I have that perfect smile mounted on my wall like a pair of antlers.

I picked up a hitchhiker. Later on I picked up some common sense and soda. The soda was all-natural, like the hooker from earlier.