I want to be the world’s safest fashion designer. And I always wear my seatbelt, especially when I’m in the car.

Sleeping in a tinfoil suit keeps me warmer and helps prepare me for my voyage to the moon. Would you care for some licorice?

The thirstiest bird is surely the swallow. My love is so fluid I’ll bet drinking it would give you the gift of flight.

I walked to work. I paced up and down the bus looking for a seat. Next time I walk to work I’m getting on my treadmill.

I sell Jarod-shaped earplugs that just may plug up the hole in your heart. My earplugs are modeled after a nude Helen Keller.

A can’t in a can—it’s carbonated failure that’s ready to drink. It tastes like the back half of love.

With friends like me, who needs mannequins? My love for you is statuesque. Come, let us dance like we’re made of stone.

If you bulk order enough sound, you get a discount by volume. The guys in the warehouse know me by the codename Helen Keller.

I buy my clothes large, so I feel comfortable gaining weight. When I love, I do it in two sizes—extra large, and refill.

My love is three times as deep as you voted for. You thought it was two feet deep, but it’s six feet deep, like a grave.

Raw vegetables leave me overjoyed with raw emotion. My love for her can best be summed up with one carrot and a cheese grater.

I’m a one-man show. I need to start a band. You wanna join? Too bad! What about one-man band don’t you understand?

My mustache can be your toothbrush for the one-time low cost of $1.23. Each mustoothbrush is made from 100% recycled material.

Love happens to some people, sometimes. Other times other stuff happens to other people. I’m a person like those people.

My love is like hooray! Special terms and conditions may apply. See dealer for details. Coupon not valid with any other offer.