Have some Itch Soup. I made it from scratch. It tastes like beef jerky, minus the beef. It has all the flavor of starts and stops.

We see beyond our eyes, but not back into them, at least not without the self-deceptive help of a mirror. Squeegees are for lovers.

I make love like I ride my two-seater unicycle—slowly. If you feel unstable, you can hang on to my handlebar mustache.


I put the all in allow. Well, I put in most. All the rest I forbid! If it pleases you, dinner will be ready as soon as you make it.

Virginia isn’t for lovers. Vagina is for lovers. Makes me wonder why there aren’t any for sale in any vending machines.

TEACHERNext. Hey, Ned exclaimed --STUDENTEy, Ned asclaimed --TEACHERLet's boil --STUDENTLet's boil --TEACHERThe wolverines.

It's not hard to fail...it's hard to accept you failed...but once that's out of the way, it's pretty smooth sailing

Leave the cage open. If you love someone, give them a chance to leave. You can always lock them up again should they return to you.

I was on my way to being on my way when I noticed a rainbow. That’s when I got out my fishing net to try to catch some trout.

Instead of rolling out the red carpet, what about a cherry Fruit Roll-Up? Sometimes celebrity is a path you have to eat in retreat.

Give me a bouncy ball. I’ve got some ideas I want to throw at you. Put on your squeaky shoes—we’ve got work to do!

Go sip on gossip, and leave the coffee talk for me to chug. I’ll be in the kitchen, giggling like a schoolgirl if you need me.

To attract a lover, you need to craft the perfect Craigslist ad. Here’s mine: Free TV with purchase of potato chips and couch.

What if a statue of me walked past my clone frozen in thought? Which one of the two would make a better quarterback than Geno Smith?

In my pants is where you need to look to find out everything you want to know about love. I got the magic formula from your grandma.