Through the window yesterday I saw a fool talking to himself, and it made me laugh, until I realized it was a mirrored window.

Using my nipples as bait, I went fishing for compliments. I got a few bites, but nothing to write about in Field & Stream.

My ballsack drives me nuts. Jogging has got to be the floppiest sport. Definitely not for lovers. Gentlemen prefer gymnastics.

I just invented a device that eliminates vice. It looks like a bottle of booze, only it’s empty, because I just drank it.

Pa extended his paw as if to say, “I’m here, and I’m human.” What else could I do but say, “Meow.

Of all the fish, in all the bars in the world, she had to not walk into mine. Maybe my love isn’t evolved enough for her.

The phrase ‘popular science’ has in itself a touch of absurdity. That knowledge which is popular is not scientific.

I have a protective coating, like a tank. It’s called Love. And when I get you naked, I’ll want to make war to you.

I keep my motivational book collection in the fridge. Hey, Who Moved My Cheese?! Did somebody let grandpa out of his cage again?

If I could adorn myself with a question, I’d wear a where. It would never go out of style, because location is everything.

To be invisible, paint yourself with the direct shade of 0. Leave nothing to chance, by taking nothing with you wherever you go.

Pulling your head out of your ass is better than pulling your head out of a lawyer’s ass. (Limit one coupon per customer).

I’d love to create a personal profile on a dating site with a headline that reads, “Great Listener Seeks Mute Woman.

I am the washing machine of love. And if you have no idea what I mean, maybe it’s time to let some laundry into your life.

I just cut my beard. I used a tractor, because farmers make the best lovers. But why sell produce when you could sell reproduce?