I want you to get a haircut so you don't look like Ish Kabibble on a rainy night.

When pointing out the flaws in others, people always end up talking about themselves.

Real comedy is not when you laugh at an idiot, it's when the idiot laughs at you.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Government" Like a mafia protection racket-without the protection.

If you are reading this, I'm dead. Don't celebrate too much. Jesus is watching.

Ish #1 "It's not your mama's macaroni and cheese if you used spaghetti noodles.

Even-money that my liver lasts through my wife's metamorphosis to my mother-in-law.

It's funny how the people who know the least about you, always have the most to say.

Wisdom of the Ages "Unsuccessful Town Slogans" Sequim (WA)- "We put the Dung in Dungeness.

Life at times is a bunch of crap, the nice part about crap is that it's biodegradable.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Valentine's Day" Because she never forgets, especially if you do.

There are only two profound ways to reach enlightenment: Laugh by yourself, or get tickled.

To the issues of friendship, love, business and war, "surprise" is the optimistic solution.

Yes! Yes! There's the attitude. Where was that girl during the race? Off getting sushi?

Slap-stick comedy is really funny, unless you're the one getting slapped with the stick.