Dear Homework, you’re not attractive & I’m not doing you.

Never say, “oops.” Always say, “Ah, interesting.”

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, especially if you aim for the head.

Sleep is my drug, my bed is the dealer, and my alarm clock is the police.

Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm clock is the police.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.

Remember: Don’t Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

Procrastination is like masturbation. You’re only screwing yourself.

I don’t need angermanagement. I need people to stop making me angry.

Brains aren’t everything. In fact in your case they’re nothing.

Nerd flirting: I wish I could select all of yours clothes and press delete.

When you hear “no offense…but..” prepare to be offended.

I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck in my nose.

Stomping on the ground next to bugs, just to make them appreciate life more.

For someone who says he loves me, you have a really sucky way of showing it.