Good girls go to Heaven, bad girls make you feel like you’re in Heaven.

Good girls go to Heaven, bad girls make you feel like you’re in Heaven.

I prayed for twenty years but received no answer until I prayed with my legs.

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

You’re not fat, come on, chin up. And the other one, and the other one.

He broke her heart. She broke his X-Box. I think we all know who cried harder.

Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself.

Dear chairs, I know you get more ass, but I get more head. Sincerely, Pillows.

When I hear shirtless, I think of guys. When I hear topless, I think of girls.

I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It’s too little to go by itself.

I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.

Whatever you do in life, always give 100%, unless you’re donating blood.

The main difference between a cat and a lie is that a cat only has nine lives.

Don’t fool a woman with a promise because she will fool you with a test.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.