The way I see it: The more people hate me, the less people I have to please.

Bored ? Goes to kitchen ? Opens fridge ? Looks inside ? Leaves empty handed.

Maybe some of you girls should eat make-up, so you are pretty on the inside.

You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

When you think you have someone eating out of your hand, count your fingers.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you’re in prison.

You don’t have to worry about zombies because zombies only eat brains.

Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine.

Don’t let life get in the way of your dreams… go back to sleep!

Why did the fish get kicked out of school? Cause he was caught with seaweed.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.

I would like to kick you in your vagina, but I’m afraid I lose my shoe.