What part of Canada are you from, honey?""THE LEFT PART," said Jay.

Scrawny? Baby, I invented scrawny. Scrawny is the new sizzling hot.

Join the Army see the world meet interesting people - and kill them

I would be an organ donor, but I’d much rather donate a piano.

Pollution is so bad that when I put air in my tyres two of them died

I can do this, I lied to myself feebly. No one was going to bite me.

Nothing says "deeply in mourning" like canapés and free beer.

England and America are two countries separated by a common language

Your best chance to get a Royal Flush in a casino is in the bathroom

I am the burrito in the taco. Hold your skepticism, and the lettuce.

We may not be all that bright, Jace said, but at least we are alive.

I’m losing more hours of sunlight at night than anywhere else.

Why is it beautiful that humanity keeps coming back? So does herpes.

I once got attacked by a bearskin rug, two days before it was a rug.

The best ideas come as jokes Make your thinking as funny as possible