I thought I was eating a candy bar, but it turned out to be a yummy burrito. I was both disappointed and appointed at the same time.

I can cook a mean hamburger. I can also cook a rude hamburger, and probably a sarcastic one, depending on how snarky the patty gets.

How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? I imagine it was some weird marketing meeting over in France.

The greatest advantage of all is that when people think you're a witch, you can eat an entire serving of squash all by yourself.

The myriad of flavors explode on my tongue, shimmy through my mouth, slap my taste buds and call them filthy bastards, and I love it.

My penis smells like pasta. Also, I personally tested it out, and your spaghetti's not too hot now, if you want to eat it.


I wish my stove came with a Save As button like Word has. That way I could experiment with my cooking and not fear ruining my dinner.

Nonetheless, we experience a sense of freedom when we feel that we have the ability to make choices and satisfy our primal instincts.

That without experimentation, a willingness to ask questions and try new things, we shall surely become static, repetitive, moribund.

Good things come to those who ate. And I’m stuffed. Like a teddy bear. That might be why I’m the World Cuddling Champion.

My tears are salty. I shouldn’t eat potato chips while drinking my Cry Water, because it only makes me thirstier for your love.

Writers fish for the right words like fishermen fish for, um, whatever those aquatic creatures with fins and gills are called. 


I can’t fly with one wing. But I can’t go hungry either, and I already ate both the legs, the breasts, and the other wing.

...it was so rich and exotic I was seduced into taking one bite and then another as I tried to chase the flavors back to their source.

There ain't no point in making soup unless others eat it. Soup needs another mouth to taste it, another heart to be warmed by it.