For shit’s sake, it wasn’t like there was a twelve-step for being the Scribe Virgin’s kid:Hi, I’m Vishous. I’m her son and I’ve been her son for three hundred years.HI, VISHOUS.She’s done a head job on me again, and I’m trying not to go to the Other Side and scream bloody murder at her.WE UNDERSTAND, VISHOUS.And on the bloody note, I’d like to dig up my father and kill him all over again, but I can’t. So I’m just going to try to keep my sister alive even though she’s paralyzed, and attempt to fight the urge to find some pain so I can deal with this Payne.YOU’RE A STRAIGHT-UP PUSSY, VISHOUS, BUT WE SUPPORT YOUR SORRY ASS.

Is this your holiday homework?" asked Sarah. "Don't do it, Rose! And Eve will write you a note to say it's iniquitous to give eight-year-olds homework. You will, won't you, Eve?""I could never spell 'iniquitous,' Sarah darling!""Hot concrete," said Rose mournfully, prodding her porridge."Write this," ordered Saffron. "'The ancient Egyptians are all dead. Their days are very quiet.' Porridge is meant to look like hot concrete. Eat it up.... Read the next question!"..."What would you say if you bumped into Tutankhamen in the street?""'Sorry!'" said Sarah at once. "Put that.""We have to answer in proper sentences.""'Sorry, but it was your fault! You were walking sideways!

He done his level best.Was he a mining on the flat..He done it with a zest..Was he a leading of the choir..He done his level best.If he'd a reg'lar task to do,He never took no rest..Or if 'twas off and on the same..He done his level best.If he was preachin' on his beat,He'd tramp from east to west,And north to south ..in cold and heat..He done his level best.He'd Yank a sinner outen (Hades),And land him with the blest;Then snatch a prayer'n waltz in again,And do his level best.He'd cuss and sing and howl and pray,And dance and drink and jest,He done his level best.Whate'er this man was sot to doHe done it with a zest;No matter what his contract was,He'd do his level best...

I thought you'd be gone by now." Velkan"Hardly, I have to much to do." Esperetta"Such as?" Velkan"Apologize to you." Esperetta"Why would you do that?" Velkan"Because I'm stupid and pigheaded. Judgmental. Unforgiving. Mistrustful--you can stop me at anytime, you know?" Esperetta"Why should i? You're on quite a roll. Besides, you missed the worst flaw." Velkan"And that is?" Esperetta"Hotheaded." Velkan"I learned that one from you." Esperetta"How so?" Velkan"Remember that time you threw your boots into the fire because you had trouble getting them off?""I never did that." Velkan"Yes, you did. You also gave your favorite saddle to the stable master because it scratched your leg as you dismounted and told him he could have it but, personally, you'd burn it, too." Esperetta

Somehow she had climbed halfway up his body before he managed to grasp her waist. He plucked her off and set her on her feet.She started to climb up his body again.“Are you having fun?” he asked suspiciously.“We’re on the fucking moon!” she shouted. “There’s nothing here!”He stared at her. “I don’t think you’re having fun.”“No air!”He shook his head. “Think about that logically. Could you have possibly said those words if there truly was no air? Of coursethere’s no air or atmosphere outside this bubble—”“Ofcoursethere’snofuckingairhereorfuckingatmosphereonthefuckinggoddamnMOONyouGODDAMNFUCKINGCRAZYMORONICDJINN…”“Grace,” he roared in her face.

Darling Daddy,This is Rose.Very good news. Caddy is going to marry Micheal. In case you have forgotten because you have not been home for so long he is the one with the ponytail and the earring that you do not like. And Caddy says she will have a white lace dress and three bridesmaids, Saffron and Sarah and me, and a big party for everyone, all her old boyfriends too. Fireworks. A band. A big tent called a marquee. But where will we put it? Carriages with white horses for us all to go to the church. Afterward Caddy and Micheal will go for a holiday to Australia to visit the Great Barrier Reef. Caddy has it all worked out and Mummy says Yes She Can Of Course You Can Darling Of Course You Must Do That. Saffron said That Will Cost a Few Weeks Housekeeping and Mummy said Yes But We Do Not Need to Worry About That. DADDY WILL PAY.Love, Rose.

He could not consent to allow himself to be insulted, still less to allow himself to be treated as a rag, and, above all, to allow a thoroughly vicious man to treat him so. No quarrelling, however, no quarrelling! Possibly if some one wanted, if some one, for instance, actually insisted on turning Mr. Golyadkin into a rag, he might have done so, might have done so without opposition or punishment (Mr. Golyadkin was himself conscious of this at times), and he would have been a rag and not Golyadkin - yes, a nasty, filthy rag; but that rag would not have been a simple rag, it would have been a rag possessed of dignity, it would have been a rag possessed of feelings and sentiments, even though dignity was defenceless and feelings could not assert themselves, and lay hidden deep down in the filthy folds of the rag, still the feelings there...

Yes, an actual full-sized camel. If you find that confusing, just think how the criosphinx must have felt.Where did the camel come from, you ask? I may have mentioned Walt’s collection of amulets. Two of them summoned disgusting camels. I’dmet them before, so I was less than excited when a ton of dromedary flesh flew across my line of sight, plowed into the sphinx, and collapsed on topof it. The sphinx growled in outrage as it tried to free itself. The camel grunted and farted.“Hindenburg,” I said. Only one camel could possibly fart that badly. “Walt, why in the world—?”“Sorry!” he yelled. “Wrong amulet!”The technique worked, at any rate. The camel wasn’t much of a fighter, but it was quite heavy and clumsy. The criosphinx snarled and clawedat the floor, trying unsuccessfully to push the camel off; but Hindenburg just splayed his legs, made alarmed honking sounds, and let loose gas.I moved to Walt’s side and tried to get my bearings.

What?” Richardson snarled. “No smart retort, Mr. Gautier? Cat swallow your tongue?”Nick gave her a charming grin he didn’t really feel. “No, ma’am. A gator named Sense Formerly Known as Common.”Sneering at him, she tottered her way to her desk so that she could insult someone else and ruin their day.Caleb let out an annoyed breath. -Great,- he projected to Nick. -Now I have to get detention, too. I really hate you, Gautier.-Nick batted his eyelashes at Caleb. -But I wubs you, Caliboo.-That succeeded in wringing a groan out of Caleb.“What was that, Mr. Malphas?” Richardson asked.“Severe intestinal woe caused by an external hemorrhoid that seems to be growing on my right-hand side.” He cast a meaningful glower toward Nick.The class erupted into laughter as Richardson shot to her feet. “Enough!” She slammed her hands on her desk. “For that, Mr. Malphas, you can join Mr. Gautier in after-school detention.”Caleb let out an irritated sigh. --More quality time with my hemorrhoid. Just what I wanted for Christmas. Yippee ki-yay.--

The Restaurant at the End of the Universe is one of the most extraordinary ventures in the entire history of catering.It is built on the fragmented remains of an eventually ruined planet which is (wioll haven be) enclosed in a vast time bubble and projected forward in time to the precise moment of the End of the Universe.This is, many would say, impossible.In it, guests take (willan on-take) their places at table and eat (willan on eat) sumptuous meals while watching (willing watchen) the whole of creation explode around them.This, many would say, is equally impossible.You can arrive (mayan arrivan on-when) for any sitting you like without prior (late fore-when) reservation because you can book retrospectively, as it were, when you return to your own time (you can have on-book haventa forewhen presooning returningwenta retrohome).This is, many would now insist, absolutely impossible.At the Restaurant you can meet and dine with (mayan meetan con with dinan on when) a fascinating cross-section of the entire population of space and time.This, it can be explained patiently, is also impossible.You can visit it as many times as you like (mayan on-visit re onvisiting ... and so on – for further tense correction consult Dr. Streetmentioner's book) and be sure of never meeting yourself, because of the embarrassment this usually causes.

Caddy came home on Friday evening. Perfectly Harmless Patrick brought her in his battered old car..."Crikey, Caddy!" said Indigo, and he disappeared upstairs to tell Rose.Eve murmured, "Sweet," rather doubtfully.Sarah said, not doubtfully at all, "Horrendous! The worst yet. Rock bottom.""He had a very difficult childhood," said Caddy...."Who didn't?" asked Saffron unsympathetically. "Gosh, he's ancient, Caddy! Look, he's going bald! All that long trailing stuff is just a disguise!""If I was going bald," said Sarah, "I would face the fact and have it all shaved off.""Well, I thought Mummy would like him," said Caddy defensively. "...Anyway, I can always take him back.""I think you're going to have to, Caddy darling," said Eve... "Hello, Rose darling! Come in and see what Caddy has brought home to show us!"She escaped, and Rose, who had already heard the news from Indigo, glanced at Patrick and began laughing."See?" said Sarah. "Rose knows! Absolutely rock bottom! You cannot be serious, Caddy!""Oh, stop looking at him!" said Caddy, uncomfortably. "I'll find something to cover him up with in a minute!""How long are you leaving him there for?" asked Rose."Just until Sunday," said Caddy, trying to sound casual."Till Sunday!" repeated Saffron. "So is Micheal dumped?""Of course he isn't!" said Caddy indignantly. "I've never dumped anyone!""Start!" said Saffron. "Otherwise they just pile up, taking up the sofas...

Cabal. Cabal. Cabal. I summon you to me. Now."Simi and Kody exchanged a look that said he was as crazy as he suddenly felt when nothing happened.Great, Dad. I can look stupid on my own. Didn't really need you to help out on that front.That was his thought until he heard a curse and something slammed into him, knocking him against the wall. Nick shoved his attacker away, then froze as he looked into a pair of familiar, startled brown eyes.Now this was the giant badass-tough demon that Nick was used to."Malphas?"Tense and braced to fight, Caleb turned around slowly, surveying every aspect of his new surroundings. He paused as he faced Kody and Simi. "Where the heck am I? And how did I get here?"Kody pointed to Nick. "Apparently, Nick summoned you.""Nick?" Caleb glanced right past Nick and kept searching the room with his gaze. "Our Nick? Where is the little booger?"She gestured even more exaggeratedly at Nick's position. "Right there."Caleb's jaw went slack as he faced him."Nick?""Caleb?"The word had barely left his lips before Caleb grabbed him into a bear hug and held him tight. Which was extremely awkward and gross. Completely weirded out by it, Nick tried to disentangle himself from the demon. It wasn't like Caleb to show any emotion toward him other than irritation or frustration. Sometimes anger."Stop C! If you're going to hug me like this, you got to buy me dinner first, boy. And it's got to be someplace nice, like Antoine's or Brennan's. I ain't easy or cheap."Laughing, Caleb stepped back and narrowed his eyes on Nick as he held him by his arms. "Dude . . . did you lose a bet with a sorcerer or something?"Nick gave him a droll smirk. "Don't taunt me now that I know your real name. I'm told I can do some damage to you with that. Make you fetch my slippers and stuff.

NORA [looking earnestly and a little doubtfully at him]. Surelyif you let one woman cry on you like that you'd never let anothertouch you.BROADBENT [conscientiously]. One should not. One OUGHT not, mydear girl. But the honest truth is, if a chap is at all apleasant sort of chap, his chest becomes a fortification that hasto stand many assaults: at least it is so in England.NORA [curtly, much disgusted]. Then you'd better marry anEnglishwoman.BROADBENT [making a wry face]. No, no: the Englishwoman is tooprosaic for my taste, too material, too much of the animatedbeefsteak about her. The ideal is what I like. Now Larry's tasteis just the opposite: he likes em solid and bouncing and ratherkeen about him. It's a very convenient difference; for we'venever been in love with the same woman.NORA. An d'ye mean to tell me to me face that you've ever been inlove before?BROADBENT. Lord! yes.NORA. I'm not your first love?BROADBENT. First love is only a little foolishness and a lot ofcuriosity: no really self-respecting woman would take advantageof it. No, my dear Nora: I've done with all that long ago. Loveaffairs always end in rows. We're not going to have any rows:we're going to have a solid four-square home: man and wife:comfort and common sense--and plenty of affection, eh [he putshis arm round her with confident proprietorship]?NORA [coldly, trying to get away]. I don't want any other woman'sleavings.BROADBENT [holding her]. Nobody asked you to, ma'am. I neverasked any woman to marry me before.NORA [severely]. Then why didn't you if you're an honorable man?BROADBENT. Well, to tell you the truth, they were mostly marriedalready. But never mind! there was nothing wrong. Come! Don'ttake a mean advantage of me. After all, you must have had a fancyor two yourself, eh?