The most enjoyable book in the world is the phone book, because think of all the sex that went into creating the content.

I’d love to work with an Asian guy named Wu Hu, because just saying his name would get me all pumped up and excited.

If girlfriends were knees, I'd love to have both of mine replaced. That way, it'd be easier to run around on them.

It was a little difficult to take him seriously when he sang along to a song about a woman taking another woman's man.

How dare you open a spaceman's helmet on an uncharted planet? My eyeballs could've been sucked from their sockets!

Nancy was so thrilled, I thought she was going to kiss me—and I thought I was actually going to have to hit a chick.

When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Then find someone who's life is givin' them vodka and have a party!

I read books so dry even a cactus couldn’t grow on them. But who cares? I’m not a farmer, I’m a thinker.

Having good intentions isn’t enough when actions fail; you also need some bad intentions so that you look competent.

Lawyers were notorious for finding cases in the most unlikely places, especially ones with huge potential damagers awards.

La cucaracha, La cucaracha, Ya no puede caminar, porque no tiene, porque le falta, I don't know the rest, la la la la!

It means the third rail has seven hundred volts of direct current running through it. Touch it and you're human popcorn

Don't go there Rule" Lawe warned him softly. " I don't think your horoscope declared today to be a good day to die.

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

A brick could be used to smash my bottled up rage, and a blanket could be laid down beforehand to catch the shards.