How am I going to explain to my kids one day that I can't buy them a happy meal because the toy will make them fat?

Screw this. He’d blown his shot at nice-and-easy, which only left quick-and-brutal—my favorite way to play.

I make love like Brett Favre threw his first pass as a Green Bay Packer—to himself. Obviously, himself is myself.

I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it Do not eat if seal is broken So I opened up the box and sure enough

That's your truck parked up by the factory isn't it?" Magnus pointed. "It's awfully butch for a bookseller.

A blanket might make the ideal politician, because they’re warm, comforting, soft, and easily corruptible.


Wait, Richard Cheney, as in Dick Cheney? You're a vampire named Dick Cheney? Somehow, that makes you seem more evil.

After all, if spinster chaperons required their own spinster chaperons there simply wouldn't be enough to go around.

She whistled when she noticed my back. I assume because of my injuries. I mean, my ass just isn't that spectacular.

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

Your on your on with this one babe.""Coward.""Calling me names isn't going to get me in there."-Ranger and Stephanie

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a ca

Zeb was kindergarten teacher--a good one. I always thought it was because he was the same emotional age as his students.

People are funny. They want the front of the bus, the middle of the road and the back of the church. —Mrs. Miracle

Growing up, Renaldo and his father had a great relationship. At least until his father went and slept with someone else.