My words and my ideas are my property, and I’ll keep and protect them as surely as I do my stable of unicorns.

Screw sharks; a Transformer could be stretching up on its tippy toes and would still have a mile of cover to eat me.

I love how babies look like old people. I saw a baby the other day that looked exactly like my grandpa, only taller.

I want to sit on the sofa, eating potato chips, while wearing one of those vibrating ab belts and getting a workout.

I had a dream about you last night… it was raining and you were fishing for fire to set a sandcastle a flame.

A string of burglaries is a crime necklace. Everything I have can be stolen except love, because I give it all away.

The stars have a strong effect on our daily shopping lives. Hollywood is astrology’s only credible conspiracy.

If love came in a cardboard tube, I’d probably send it priority mail. But I’d make you pay for shipping.

I introduced myself thus: “My name is Moscow Moonlove. My friends call me Moss, Cow, Moo, Moon, or Tigerpants.

This isn't a Christmas special! This is my life. In the real world, miracles and goodness just don't happen.

My brother spent a large portion of the agonizingly slow drive to school banging his forehead on the stearing wheel.

A brick could be used to monitor earthquakes. If the brick crumbles apart, you can bet an earthquake occurred.


But Dumbledore says he doesn't care what they do as long as they don't take him off the Chocolate Frog cards.

What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally shit myself lifeless.

I don’t understand people who don’t like meatloaf. Your mom doesn’t make it like Michael Aday does.