So just let me deal with it, I can be emotionally flawed and still love you all at the same time. I’m a great multitasker.

I’m always hearing that everyone needs someone to love, but I just don’t think people are interchangeable like that.

The best part about falling in love with a slab of meatloaf is now I get to use my ketchup-dispensing backpack when making love.

I like wearing a blindfold while watching movies, so that I can focus on the dialogue. My favorite flicks are the silent movies.

Can you be in love with more than one person and only one person at the same time? Yes, if you’re in love with two clones.

The Friday before winter break, my mom packed me an overnight bag and a few deadly weapons and took me to a new boarding school.

Hoping to get a head start on the next day, I eat breakfast the night before. That way I can sleep in until two in the afternoon.

A blanket could be used at the end of meetings, to wrap things up—sort of like a big office burrito of productivity.


Starting tomorrow, I will stop procrastinating. Or, of I’m too busy putting things off, I’ll start the following day.

Yes, I'm back," he said, "And look who I ran into."Horace grinned at him. "i hope you ran into him hard.""As hard as I could.

I want to write a book called, "Ten Steps to Asexuality." Of course, I recommend all those steps be taken in Birkenstock sandals.

If writers write, then rangers range. And I’d like to wake up every morning and be a mother, so I could eat my own clothes.

It's sad to see old friends have to move away, but at the same time, you know the retirement home is the best place for them.

My armpits are not only rank, but they’re ranked number one in customer satisfaction. Try them for free or your money back.

America pays defense contractors to build aircraft carriers. Google pays brilliant programmers to do whatever the hell they want.