Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.

What do you want? Where's the goddamn ice I ordered? Where's the booze? There's a war on, man! People are being killed!

And then he said the next time he sees me the gloves are coming off. I said, "Doc, that‘s no way to perform a prostrate exam.

Sexton: I think the whole world's gone mad.Death: Uh-uh. It's always like this. You probably just don't get out enough.

I'd like to thank readers. Every time you open a book, it is a strike against ignorance. Unless you're reading Sarah Palin.

Without humor, we’d all be what we’re laughing at. Without arrogance, we’d be humiliated to admit we already are.

I don’t like to brag or frighten, but I’ve got a black belt. And a brown one, which I sometimes wear with black slacks.

With a palindrome of a name, like Bob, I’d be both right thinking and dyslexic. Would you love me more as a Bob, or as a Bob?

Well, well, well," said Aitch Dee, his arms folded across his chest. "Well, well, well, well," replied Pavel, not to be out welled.

That really was NOT fun, though. Well, the hitting-her-with-a-stick part, that was fun. But crashing into a concrete bear? NOT fun.

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year I told him `At my age I don`t even buy green bananas `

I often arrive at quite sensible ideas and judgements, on the spur of the moment. It is when I stop to think that I become foolish.

I lay warm in bed like a melted marshmallow in a graham cracker. I really wish my blanket wasn’t so rigid and crumbly.


Being fed, and having a soft bed, and other people being in charge, seemed the most wonderful prospect in the world at that moment.

I admire Shakespeare enormously. But since I can’t be him, I’m glad that his marriage was unhappy and he’s dead.