I am a believer in punctuality though it makes me very lonely

Did I just get psychically pimp-slapped by a little old lady?

We live in an era where pizzas show up faster than the police

Oh, this is the most TRAGICAL thing that ever happened to me!

I want to be more like James Bond, and less like Ian Fleming.

Men don t care what s on TV They only care what else is on TV

Laugh and the world laughs with you snore and you sleep alone

Somebody dies and people eat your food. Funny how that works.

I’ve demanded of myself to be more demanding of others.

I like farm salmon. I like the idea of fish growing on trees.

A writer must always tell the truth unless he is a journalist

Comedy we may say is society protecting itself - with a smile

The small amount of foolery wise men have makes a great show.

All I know about humor is that I don t know anything about it

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle