We are born princes and the civilizing process makes us frogs Eric Berne

Given a choice between goose egg and heartache, I would choose heartache.

I’m older than myself. At least I will be, once my clone gets here.

Waiters are the help, dear. It's like falling in love with a blender!

In real life the princesses kiss princes and then princes turn into frogs

A computer once beat me at chess but it was no match for me at kick boxing

Shit," Delia said. "I mean, shoot. No, actually, I mean shit. I really do.

Welcome to Telepathics Anonymous. Don’t bother introducing yourself.

My couch is coffee-colored. I can thank Starbucks and clumsiness for that.

A man should be taller, older, heavier, uglier, and hoarser than his wife.

Rather than waste a whole day, I would rather spend it counting to 86,400.

Humor does not diminish the pain - it makes the space around it get bigge

I’d rather have 100% of 5 than 50% of 10—especially with love.

When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We made deodorant.

I want to be happy and sad at the same time. Yeah, I know it sounds sappy.