The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink

Do I look like the kind of person who wastes time turning goats into pin cushions?

Some are born great some achieve greatness and some hire public relations officers

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases

Depend on the rabbit s foot if you will but remember it didn t work for the rabbit

The crux is that the vast majority of the mass of the universe seems to be missing

Boy, you knock on the devil's door and he will head slam you through the wall.

Humor distorts nothing and only false gods are laughed off their earthly pedestals

Humor can alter any situation and help us cope at the very instant we are laughing

The perfect vehicle to take to the moon would be a two-door Saturn with a sunroof.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die

She had put on make-up in a colour scheme that indicated she might be colourblind.

Children are a great comfort in your old age And they help you reach it faster too

I had a dream about you last night... shortly after I woke up screaming in terror.

I have a star on Hollywood Blvd. It glows in the dark and I stuck it there myself.