When I fell in love with you I should have realised that I am falling and not rising

I love working with my hands. My writing is rough, my paper bruised with ink stains.

Cara: *Flies*Gen: What? I don't have wings!Cara: Ofcourse not! You're a boy.

If you can t see the humour in yourself you could be missing the joke of the century

A blanket really makes the bed. Good thing too, because I never make the bed.


One of the blessings of being a humorist is that all your mistakes pass off as jokes

When anybody asks me what time it is, I always say, “Yesterday, plus 24 hours.

I know I m not everybody s cup of tea I d rather be someone s shot of tequila anyway

He spun out enough toilet paper to vandalize a house and carefully cleaned the seat.

Let us set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge

The two rules of procrastination: 1) Do it today 2) Tomorrow will be today tomorrow

About adultery: Don’t go looking for pancakes when you have flapjacks at home.

I am the Guillotine of Love, and I will never lose my head over another woman again.

He glanced up once, eyes bored. “Please stop talking. I’m trying to eat.

Motorcycle helmets are bottomless. Strippers are topless. And my love is middleless.