I want to never stop growing as a person. I’d love to be well over 8 feet tall.

If you were half as funny as you think you are you d be twice as funny as you are now

Humour is falling downstairs if you do it while in the act of warning your wife not to

I can t wait to spend Monday doing nothing on a beach instead of doing nothing at work

According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

I keep my love in the fridge, next to my meat, because you simply can’t beat it.

People who practice freedom of expression are terrorizing our grammatical way of life.

I don't want to be tied down in a relationship, I want to be tied down during sex.

Pressure is something you feel when you don't know what the hell you're doing.

Salsa music is best when chewing on nachos. I’m a spicy lover. Taste me and see.

There re only two people in your life you should lie to the police and your girlfriend

There’s not a lot of food on the moon. Not unless you’re into cannibalism.

The only difference between me and a famous writer is that I do not want to be famous.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn t they d be married too