You can be true to the character all you want but you ve got to go home with yourself

50 bucks sounds fair to me. Especially since I’m not doing anything to earn it.

There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God

Don’t shave my head to make your wig of selfishness. Shave it because you care.

A princess always takes care that her words are honeyed, for she may have to eat them

Can the sarcasm,' he said. 'Please, I always use fresh sarcasm, never canned.

I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on

Treat each other like human beings? But the other great apes have no class hierarchy.

Men never know how tired they are till their wives sit them down for a nice long talk

Yes, fruits and vegetables are healthy. But you want to know why I eat them? Revenge.

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech Every now and then she stops to breathe

The universe is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharpe

I love deadlines I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by

I have always thought that if I were a rich man I would employ a professional praise