I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

Yes, because a vampire slumber party is the pinnacle of safety conscious behavior.

She tried to smile sympathetically, but with her face it wasn't quite possible.

You don t stop laughing because you grow old You grow old because you stop laughing

Well Connor thought ruefully At least now I know who to thank for my anger issues.

You know how they say Life will go on regardless of you Today I say So will the gym

She says you're not awake until you're actually out of bed and standing up.

I always leave the toilet seat up. It’s just easier to wash my hair that way.

A red eight-sided sign always means: A) Stop. B) Go. C) Danger! Red octogons ahead!

What I actually want to call you is a hell of a lot more unprintable than your name

A sense of humor is the ability to understand a joke - and that the joke is oneself

A committee is a group of the unwilling chosen form the unfit to do the unnecessary

Money is seen as a great evil. But I've never seen a pile of cash stab someone.

When I said it aloud, it sounded terribly creepy, which is why I had said it aloud.

He's getting away you idiots! Shoot him. I'm wearing Spider-Man underpants!